I was recently challenged on my tendency to not keep up with friendships. For context, I have a tendency to move on rather than hold on to different people throughout my life. I’ll give a list of reasons and thought processes for why I do this, then I’ll analyze collectively whether or not this is the right way to be. Or at least the right way for me to be.
Here’s the list:
- They move away: I tend to not communicate often via text or social media. In fact, when I’m at my best I don’t use social media at all outside of work. This alone may be a reason why I look at longevity of association differently than others. When someone is out of my life in proximity, communication naturally goes away. I quite like this as it puts less pressure on any individual friendship and also makes it quite enjoyable when you are on positive terms and you see the person again. ‘Tis “catching up” at its full potency.
- Becomes self-destructive: This one should utilize the analogy of the drowning man. Lifeguards are instructed to back off if a person is too frantic. It is better for one person to drown than two. This is particularly destructive when the person, by some strange power of the mind, is convinced that they are not drowning.
- Directly becomes destructive towards me: This includes things like betrayal and general bad actions directed at me in particular.
- Provides a bad feedback loop: This seems to be the true meaning of a “toxic” person. It is often uncomfortable for people who aren’t changing to see change in others. In order to alleviate this, they will start producing negative feedback towards positive changes and positive feedback towards negative changes. This is one of my biggest fears in romantic relationships as those are harder from which to excuse oneself.
And really, these are the only times that I intentionally remove myself from a person’s life.
Now, the intensity by which I sever out those that breach these things entirely depends on the closeness. The closer the person, the more intense impact such behavior has on me and the more intense the severing procedure naturally must be.
Now this leads to the question: Is this mindset good? Obviously, the first time a close friend provides you with a single piece of bad feedback, wrongs you or does something self-destructive, you don’t cut them off. However, if it repeats, it makes sense to me to first call them out on it and then second await a change, both in the short and long term. If they don’t respond well to the correction or have a valuable retort, this is not someone who will grow and that is quite dangerous due to the law of decay (if you’re not growing, you’re decaying).
If they do correct themselves in the short-term but the issue pops up again, it seems reasonable to allow for another callout. If they change again for the short term and not for the long term, it would be important to consider whether or not this is ever really going to change.
Of course, there are many, many variables to how to handle this, and each case requires nuance. These are simply general rules.
Now, the big question: is this tendency ethically permissible?
The easiest way to explain this is to understand the purpose of friendship. Notably, friendship that is not tied to commitment. Typically, these arrive due to mutual benefit. Those involved both cross paths in their independent journeys and realize that the other would be pleasant and helpful along the path.
At some point, however, it can become clear that their paths part. If the two journeyers were to decide their comradery was more important to their respective journeys, they’d have to park there and not move forward. Or, of course, one could yield and follow the other, or the two could pick an entirely new path. It all depends. However, if someone has such a clear path that they don’t wish to compromise, it is natural that they will not yield.
This shouldn’t be seen as a negative in my view. Parting does not have to be vitriolic, and it may not be an eternal parting. In fact, it could be quite a bit more fun if paths cross again after the two individuals have each grown on their own.