I don’t know. I think it’s OK to write about this?
Nobody I know (so far as I know) reads these blogs, and even if they did, it isn’t much of a problem anyway.
I consider myself an open book. A fairly transparent person. Now, people will say this — or, more specifically, that they are an “honest” person — as an excuse to behave jerk-ishly. This is no good and it is not what I mean.
Before you are an open book, make sure that the interior of the book is worth seeing.
Nobody — no human — starts this way. And even once you’ve spent the time to be an open book, it is still wise to be selective in what you say. I learned this because I wished to be a good confidant, but there are other avenues for learning such matters.
Now, here’s the deal: when you talk about dating and you talk about relations between the sexes, everyone’s going to have strong opinions. Everyone’s bringing in baggage. Everyone’s been hurt in one way or another. This is perhaps what it means for a subject to be “touchy”.
But we still need to talk about such matters.*
I can’t help but be neverendingly shocked at how women pose themselves as goals to be achieved. I grew up speaking to friends and culture that said that this was a thing of the past. That men and women are equal and should be treated the same. And yet, my experience as a man in this world consistently conflicts with this schema.
Before we become too controversial, I want to say that I fundamentally believe that everyone should be treated with love. I also believe that everyone, within any sex, race, etc. should be treated individually, rather than purely by their categorization.
This being said, I can’t help but proclaim with some sort of certainty that this “treat men and women as the same” rule has consistently hurt me rather than helped me. In terms of the feedback of life.
As a Christian, perhaps I should have understood this, but the internet and groups, again, had influenced me otherwise.
OK, as interesting as this is, and as infinitely as I could speak on it, that’s not the point of why I wanted to make this particular post. Instead, I’ll bring up the priority of this blog:
I had my first real rejection in quite some time.
That’s not to say I haven’t had failed relationships or relationships I desired but knew would be better not to start. It means this: I went on a date with a girl who I was entirely ready to give a shot, misread that she also was interested in giving it a shot, asked for said shot, and was told no.
This is embarrassing for many reasons. Obviously, there is a feeling of “not being good enough”, but also the misreading of the situation on my part. The latter of those two stings quite heavily. I’m usually pretty good about such things.
And yet, as I’m writing this, I see a bit of a flaw in my logic… This was a few texts and a very short conversation over coffee. There are trillions of reasons outside of my “not being good enough” or even “her not liking me” that could result in this. I don’t know this person, and yet I’m attributing it as some failure on my own part.
Well, here’s the thing: even if it was some reason I’m entirely not aware of, there is some benefit for me to review over the areas in which I felt she could have found me inadequate. And so I’ve done this.
- I’m happy with my looks, so it isn’t that.
- I enjoyed the date. Enjoyed the flow of the conversation. Enjoyed the silliness. She could have wanted something more serious and more rigid, but I’m a pretty staunch believer that a relationship requires play at the forefront in order to work. If she misinterpreted this play as lack of intent or intelligence, I’d die on the hill that it was still the right move.
- Depiction of my career… This is where things are a bit rough. Frankly, I’m at a weird spot. So much so, that if I were a woman, I’d be quite concerned about engaging in a relationship with me. If I had the consistent income, this would be a different story. But the type of woman I am looking for should be rather wary of where I am at.† Should she have probed me more if this was a concern? Perhaps, but that is asking an awful lot, and I’m not even sure that I’d have good answers.
- Another area in which I differed from this young lady was our perspective on balance. More specifically, on the importance of breadth of activity. My view, at this stage, is that I am more interested in focus than in breadth. Building of a particular skill. Hers was more of a desire for a breadth of experience. This, while I understand could be undesirable to many, is not something I want to change at this stage of life. In my schema, 0→10 is fairly focused (broad for that age, but focused for an adult), 10→20 should be quite broad, specifically in experiences that could lead to the focus you want for 20→30. Which, by the way, is the “craft honing” era so far as I can tell, hence why I am not broad in my activities right now. 30→35 brings back some breadth, understanding the world through the lens of your craft and, hopefully, building a breadth of bonding with a wife. After that, we start thinking about kids, and I’m just not ready for that, OK?
As an inside note, most of these blogs are written during two 30-minute sessions on two different days. I usually‡ read what I’d written the previous day before continuing. On this particular “second” day, I realized I created a thread earlier in this article about women posing themselves as goals to be achieved. I didn’t close this thread, and yet I am not interested in it right now, so I’ll save it for another blog. Please reach out to phil@tableauxtheory.com if this is a topic you’d like me to explore more greatly and dive into what I mean by it. I think there is fruit, I just can’t get my head to focus on it right now.
OK, now we’ll conclude: it seems clear to me that the one insecurity I’d like to patch up prior to attempting to find my significant other is, as corresponds with my life’s schema, to settle into my craft. Honestly, I feel that my timeline for doing so is nearing its “settling”, so we’re on track if I can simply start bringing in more income. My 3D rendering ideology, while ever-improving, seems to nearly have its fundamentals set. From here on out, it is more “grow” and less “decide”.
This, and God-willing, a steady income to support myself and others.
*In a development blog? Well… Maybe. But keep in mind I don’t really separate life and work. It is perhaps disingenuous to do so in an artistic field.
†Frankly, I am also wary of where I am at.
‡See: sometimes.